Holidays, vulnerability and the truth.

Ay yi yi.  Holidays.  [sigh]  So much joy.  So much business.  SO MUCH SUGAR!  The truth:  I’ve been avoiding blogging since Thanksgiving, because I’ve been feeling like a fraud.  How can I write a post on my “evolution” at a time when I’m slipping back into old behaviors?!?  Behaviors that are not healthy.  And they all revolve around SUGAR.  Errrrr — damn you, sugar!  I’ve written before about my struggles with sugar, and how much better I am without it in my life, so it really is frustrating to be battling it again.

BUT, the real “issue” I am seeing now is my desire to hide that I am in this struggle again from you, my dear followers.  So, what gives? Do I truly think that I am the only one who struggles with sugar?  No, absolutely not.  Diane Sanfilippo’s “21 day sugar detox” program has thousands of followers and there are countless articles and support groups for sugar addicts.  So, why not just say to you readers — “hey, me too?!??!”

I think it was Marianne Williamson who said that the two most powerful words in the human language are “me too.”  To realize that someone else has been where you are or is there currently, and stands alongside you saying, “yes, I too have a problem with this” — that is good stuff.  The best stuff.  As someone who has struggled with all kinds of addictions, and has found recovery from them, I am so fortunate to experience that affirmation on a daily basis when I connect with other recovered addicts, who tell me, “hey, me too.”  It is, in fact, the participation in recovery from the substances that were literally killing me, that made me look at this sugar issue in the first place, and it is that which also gave me the push to write this blog post today.

As scary as it is to put yourself “out there,” in life, in general, it is even more scary to do it ON THE INTERNET, where you words could, in fact, live forever.  God forbid some day I am running for office (what?!?!  where do I get these wacky thoughts?!?) and someone is able to find a blog post, where I admit to being a recovered addict.  OMG.  I wish the sarcastic tone was a type face, because I am being completely facetious right now … or maybe I’m not.

I kind of wrestle with the fact that the source of everything I have good in my life today was found by overcoming myself — by recovering from the harm I was doing to myself.  In other words, recovering from what was killing me has brought me all the joy I was seeking while engaging in my self destructive behavior.  So, on one hand, I want to shout from the rooftops about how absolutely fantastic my life is today, because I have real love today – love for God, for myself and for others.  Shout to the world that I am blessed because I don’t want to die on a daily basis.  Because I don’t wish I was never born.  I mean, seriously, how freaking amazing!?!?  Why would I not want to tell everyone == even THE INTERNET == that I have found my way back to God and as a result know true peace today.  (There are certainly reasons within the “program” where I found sobriety against talking about the program outside of it, but I think that I can talk about MY FEELINGS without breaking any of those “rules.”  Right?)

Maybe.

So, folks, that’s the issue for me.  How can I really be honest about what I struggle with (these days, namely, sugar) if I am not being honest about how I will get through that struggle (GOD!)??!?  And how can I really be honest about how God will help me with this struggle as He helps me with every other struggle if I can’t (or won’t) be honest about how I found my way back to Him to begin with?!?

I can’t help but think about Brene Brown’s amazing TED talks about vulnerability and shame, and how she uses the “man in the arena” quote to inspire us all to be vulnerable — to get in the arena.  The quote, if you don’t know it, is by Theodore Roosevelt and is as follows:  [Excerpt from the speech “Citizenship In A Republic,” delivered at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910]

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Wow.  So, I can continue to sit on the sidelines and “protect myself” and continue to speak from my HEAD, where everything is censored and nothing is really true.  Or, I can get in the arena and speak from MY HEART, the place where I try to LIVE today, and I can truly say “hey, me too,” and maybe, just maybe, help someone else along the way.  The answer seems so obvious now.

And, you know what?!  If you struggle with an addition to sugar (or just about anything else), well, guess what?!   ME TOO!!!  And, you know what else?  I have been struggling with sugar again since shortly before Thanksgiving.  And I am miserable about it.  It makes me feel physically crappy and mentally out of control and I need help.  So, that’s me … in a nutshell.

It is nice to meet you all.  Finally.

blog_maninthearena

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2 responses to Holidays, vulnerability and the truth.

  1. I can relate, I’ve been sliding into bad habits with holidays, client meeting/lunches/dinners and all the comfort foods galore we rec’d with the death of my father

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