She Used to be Mine

“… It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine…”

-Sara Bareilles, She Used to be Mine

I often miss the girl I used to be, even the “worst” version of that girl – the one that spent 29 years under the influence. Most of my adult years were spent “partying,” hiding, lying, running …

But that’s so far from the life I have today. Today, June 4, 2019, I am 7 years clean and sober. 

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Well, I made it to the half century point: reflections on freedom and turning 50

I turned 50 last week.  5 – 0.  50.  Half a century.

An absolute amazing feat for a woman who never thought she’d live to see 30.

And not only did I turn 50, I turned 50 in MEXICO!

How fortunate am I?

Although I did have a moment of “old age anxiety” when I saw the “5” and the “0” candles on the cake my friends had for me, I am mostly filled with gratitude and awe that I lived to see my 50th birthday.

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As one door shuts …

As I sit here waiting on the movers to arrive to move me out of what was my father’s home (and, for a brief time, mine), and into my very first home purchased on my own, I’m overwhelmed with memories and emotions.  I’ve been so “busy” doing all the things we do to get ready for a move, and all the other things I do to avoid sitting still, that I haven’t taken much time to appreciate the life milestones that happened in this house.  Rather than fill another box with things that I could easily grab later, I decided maybe now would be a good time to reflect on the years spent with this house.

First I should mention that in the year and a half or so since I’ve last posted here on the blog, a lot has changed in my life.  My father died.  I got into a new relationship, got engaged, got a puppy, got another puppy, ended an engagement, ended a relationship, lost a puppy, got attacked by (and then lost) the other puppy, bought my dad’s house, sold my dad’s house, and bought a condo — oh, and got into another relationship.  So, yea, a lot has happened since I’ve last written.  My sponsor reminds me of this fact every time we talk and I am quick to brush her off with the “yea yea but that’s life” thing, but it is a LOT.  OH, and I came out as a gay woman. 

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Answering the call to love:  how dementia taught me everything I needed to know above love 

I’ve written before (see here and here) about the challenges faced being the caretaker for my father, but wanted to come back to this subject again, with new awareness.  Through my dad’s illness I have finally seen that I am capable of intimacy, commitment and unconditional love.  

I have struggled with issues regarding men, intimacy and romantic relationships for a very long time.  Someday I’ll write more about it, but I’m still in the process of healing there, and, therefore still formulating my thoughts about the whys and the hows.  I do know that I’ve had issues with commitment and intimacy for as long as I can remember.  However, as my dad’s illness progressed, the call to love with unconditional commitment came, and I answered it.  Answering that call, has been one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.

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Meditation Resources

Man, I am so grateful that I haven’t given up on meditation.  I truly believe that it is the single most important act of self-care.  Through meditation, I have seen that my thoughts do not mean anything.  I have learned to respond, rather than react.  I have created space in my head from the constant chatter of my “monkey mind.”  After getting all up in my head after seeing an ex BF last weekend, I am now meditating twice per day – 10 minutes each time.  I am still not looking forward to each session, but it is something that I make myself do (like exercise) for my own peace of mind.  I do believe that if I keep the practice up, I will someday look forward to sitting.  Until then, here are some of my favorite meditation resources.

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Celebrating Body Diversity

In keeping with my last post about embracing my body exactly as it is today (see: here), I’m pleased to see a few POSITIVE body image articles featuring well-known public figures on the web today.  If you are not feeling the love for yourself today, try reading these articles and letting their self-confidence rub off on you (just click on their name or photo, below, to see the articles).  xo, C.

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